From Me to We for a stronger You and an unstoppable Us
this is for all the strong independent humans out there - yes you!
This post wants to be written, yet I have no idea how to write it. All I know is I wish someone had handed me what I am about to share with you in the moments I most needed to remember why I am here and that there is a reality that is worth living for.
Let me take you on a journey of giving a new frame to intimacy and group intelligence. How can we harness and cultivate these energies in our lives to catalyze our evolution into a trajectory that is filled with joy, love, liberation and restoration? What if intimacy is key not only for fulfilling relationships but even more so for creations and art that have a true and lasting impact on the world?
Impossible? I dare you believe otherwise, even if just for a split moment.
I believe we live in a time where it has never been more potent to learn and redefine what togetherness truly means. Beyond connecting through thoughts and ideas, what would happen if we started feeling together, attuning our nervous systems and bodies to each other and moving energy in ways that are impossible alone? What if we started speaking intimacy as a language?
These words are here for every single one of you. I don’t need you to agree with me, I invite you to listen. If you choose to let the words in beyond your rational understanding, they hold the mighty power to tickle you in just the right spots.
Charged with emotion. Filled with countless memories of wonder and awe, may they remind you of the ecstasy that is pulsating through every living creature and the place in this tapestry of life that is waiting to be filled with your unique essence and genius.
A Journey of a Lifetime // why this matters to me
There were many moments of drastic change in my life. Most relevant for the story I am about to tell was the time I left university. I decided to turn my back on being a high performing individual, always aspiring the next bigger achievement and proving myself I could do the impossible.
Instead, I chose to follow my joy. I oriented myself towards what made me inspired and feel more alive. And oh, there is no looking back to how things were before that glorious day.
I still love proving myself wrong and bursting any notion of limitation. In my world, not even the sky is the limit. The way I approach big dreams and visions is coming from a different energy now which makes all the difference.
Here’s a rundown of the sequence of events that led me to a path of togetherness.
Being part of a research group at university, the disillusionment hit hard the first moment someone told me “oh don’t worry, it doesn’t have to actually work in real life”. Wait, what?
“Science does not deal with subjective experience...
Well that's too bad because that is all any of us ever have.”
- Terence McKenna
Thank you Terence. I was shocked for a moment. Pretty ideas are not much more than that. I was hungry for more. Deeply grounded life experiences. Wisdom that comes from throwing yourself all in, jumping into the mud, giving your own heartfelt tears, blood and sweat.
So why am I so passionate about groups, connection and intimacy? Because it has the power to change everything. My life has not been the same ever since I decided to soften my strong independent woman facade and opened myself up for connection and group experiences. Our deepest wounds are locked up in memories of disconnection. The moment we experience the opposite of our past hurt, nothing will ever be the same again.
My first big milestone of healing did not happen because I invested tons of money. It happened because I was part of a loving community who lived a sex positive life style.
Through countless experiences within this group of humans, I started loving and appreciating my body. For the first time in my life, my ‘no’ was welcomed and celebrated. I finally felt comfortable around sexual energy because no one was trying to get anything from me. I got to practice my boundaries and desires and develop healthy, loving relationships. I liberated my life force energy after a lifetime of suppression. I finally found comfort in being in my body and moving without constant control and critical assessment of what was right or wrong.
In hindsight, this was the single most joyful transformational phase of my life. Growth happened naturally and organically over long periods of time. There was a powerful group intelligence at play without us needing to do anything. When we come together in groups like this where the same people keep building relationships amongst each other, trust grows and resonance does the rest of the magic, bringing together the right people at the right time, supporting each other in unlocking what it ready to open up and flourish again.
For most, the idea of opening up to others especially in groups is quite frightening. So what allows us to open up to such a degree of trust and receptivity that these scenarios of evolving through group intelligence are possible to play out?
Strengthen the I for an unstoppable We. The more deeply we center and anchor in ourselves, the more easily we recognize and magnetize those around us who can meet us there. From there, it is a practice of surrender.
What I know now is that all of me is welcome and I am always held and supported by a powerful web of souls. No matter where I am, no matter what is going on in my inner and outer world, this is a truth that nothing can shake and I wish this knowing and trust for every single person.
Bringing Things Into Perspective
Our society is build on hyperindividualism, disconnection and scarcity. It feeds on it.
Let’s say we have tasted enough flavor and expressions of starvation of true connection and intimacy. What do you believe was possible if we gathered enough will to focus on cultivating a strong I that knows how to surrender into a powerful We while anchored in the note they are here to sound?
“But the vital life force that is suppressed and unused doesn’t disappear. It is converted into dark energy and redirected elsewhere. In our world, much of this buried potential is diverted toward mass consumerism and the conspicuous acquisition of material goods. The lords of retail are masters of propaganda, indoctrinating a culture in powerful beliefs (“I am not enough”) and filling people with perpetual desire (“To be worthy, I must acquire x, y, or z”). The outcome of this approach is mass accumulation, exponential waste, skyrocketing debt, and a pervasive feeling of scarcity.”
― Thomas Hübl, Healing Collective Trauma:
A Process for Integrating Our Intergenerational and Cultural Wounds
We have the power to change this narrative into one that feels more human for a world worth living in. Given everything that is happening and where we are as humanity, I see true intimacy and group intelligence as keys for the kind of changes we most need.
Do you have a longing for togetherness, but find yourself mostly home alone behind a screen? Believe me, you are not alone. The beautiful crux of where we are as humanity is that we yearn for connection at least as much as we are terrified of it. There is no hiding when we come together. We see each other, especially the parts we don’t want to acknowledge. The more comfort we find in being seen in our mess, the easier the process.
So ask yourself the following with sincerity. Are you ready to release any version of:
“I can do it alone. I will find a way. Better rely on myself than anyone else. I don’t need help. I got this. I am strong. I am independent. And I know better anyhow.”
And replace it with your own version of the following:
“I know and trust myself. I am aware of my capacity and my limitations. I am willing to do my best and take care of myself in all the ways that are accessible to me. I know when it is time to ask for support. I know how to let others in and listen to what the group wants and needs. I believe we can do so much more together. I take responsibility when I get it wrong and won’t let it stop me. I am humble enough to listen and reflect on my behavior and patterns. I promise not to abandon myself. I devote myself to come back to love, always.”
Imagine: less energy draining away through feeding narratives of separation or attempting to do it all by ourselves. Instead, individuals who are truly resourced and nourished, deeply anchored in their own truth and the part they are here to play. From that place, all kinds of connections and collaborations have a fertile ground to flourish and grow. We see and hold each other in our true potential and learn to live up to that with everything we be and do.
“The more beautiful world my heart knows is possible is a world with a lot more pleasure:
a lot more touch, a lot more lovemaking, a lot more hugging, a lot more deep gazing into each other’s eyes, a lot more fresh-ground tortillas and just-harvested tomatoes still warm from the sun, a lot more singing, a lot more dancing, a lot more timelessness, a lot more beauty in the built environment, a lot more pristine views, a lot more water fresh from the spring.”
- Charles Eisenstein
Pick and Choose to Your Liking
Here is an assemblage of what I have found essential on the journey of strengthening the self for a more potent we-space where we not only share thoughts, but start feeling and moving energy together for an emergent future that is born from the ecstasy of our vulnerability in togetherness. In my eyes, this is the much needed foundation for solid connections that feel fun, creative, nourishing and evolutionary no matter if in friendship, partnership, collaborations or community.
Fall in Love with Your Physical Sensations
Not only fall in love, but make them priority. This is the game changer. I can’t highlight it enough. Practice the words to describe your felt experience. Naming sensations activates the witnessing brain, releases the need to over-analyze everything and soothes the nervous system.
Bring your awareness to the subtleties of your body regularly throughout the day. There is so much pleasure to be found and accessed in every oh so small sensation. This is most powerful the more you integrate it into everything you do.
Waiting for the bus? Take a deep breath and feel the sensations in your body.
Preparing food? Take a deep breath and feel the sensations in your body.
Making love? Take a deep breath and feel the sensations in your body.
Did you know that there are objects that upset our nervous system and others that have a calming effect? This often does not make sense to the rational mind and is something you can try out immediately.
Start taking in your environment through your gaze. Pause on something specific. Take a few deep breaths and settle into your body. Notice the sensations that start arising. Switch to another object. Breathe. Note how it feels similar or different.
Fun fact: Most of us are so used to run through life with a dysregulated nervous system that we don’t consciously register what has an upsetting effect on us. My wish for all of us is that we get so intimate with knowing what has an immediate calming and soothing effect so that we have access to feeling resourced no matter where we are and what is happening around us.
My favorite sequence for practicing and sharpening the awareness of my felt sense is the following. Start with ten minutes of Bioenergetic Shaking to release any tension from your body and begin to notice the natural flow of energy. Transition into ten minutes of Self Pleasure, exploring your body with curiosity and aimlessness. Finish off with ten minutes of meditation, simply sitting in stillness with a focus on your physical sensations.
Doing this every day will help you actually be in connection with what is happening in your body. With the focus on cultivating openness and receptivity for whatever your experience looks like at any given moment, deeper levels of intimacy and more joy are guaranteed.
Master the Basics of Being Human
Important note upfront: Mastering to me does not mean becoming perfect at something. It means dedicating myself to practicing, revisiting and refining an area of life I deem valuable.
Now this is really the part I wish someone would have handed me as a teenager. Some of this stuff has literally saved my life a few times so my recommendation is: practice while you don’t need it so that it feels like second nature once you do.
No. 1: Feel your feelings
Cry, grief, scream, punch a pillow, stomp your feet into the ground, laugh, orgasm, do whatever keeps your body open and vibrating. There is nothing to do other than giving expression to what wants to be felt. Let the energy run its course.
As rage in particular can be hard to access for a lot of us, there are specific Emotional Release Tools that are designed to move the energy quickly, easefully and without doing any harm to yourself.
No. 2: Need Fulfillment
Now that the initial steam has been blown off, we are left with a bit more focus and clarity that we can use to identify our needs and feelings. No need for long and complicated stories. Choose one or two words that best describe how you are feeling and identify the core need underneath those feelings.
Every need has endless strategies for how it could be fulfilled. It is up to us to make sure we find one that is suitable and appropriate for any given situation. This could be you reaching out to someone you love and trust to ask for support. It could also be you going out into nature, listening to your favorite song, dancing, cuddling yourself or taking a bath.
No. 3: Revise Your Boundaries
Now, this one is essential. Make sure you have people in your life who respect and value your no. Pay attention to what a no feels like in your body. The more often you can identify the moments you say yes when you actually mean no, the better. Getting clear on your boundaries has a huge effect on your health, well-being and overall vitality and energy level.
Have compassion with yourself in the process, we all mess this part up, a lot. The key is that we take responsibility for writing a different story. One no at a time. Celebrate yourself every time you break the pattern. Cheer on those around you practicing to uphold their own boundaries more firmly.
And here comes an addition I needed to learn the hard way, so listen closely. Get super intimate with your deepest longings and desires and watch yourself closely how you start behaving when you have a sense that you have finally found a person or group who appears to be fulfilling your longing.
What happened for me was that I started to sacrifice my own values and boundaries in sometimes subtle, sometimes not so subtle ways in the vigorous attempt to protect and uphold this precious thing I had just found. Remind yourself that having the thing your heart most wants will never ask you to compromise your own truth or well-being. If it is true, you standing in your truth and upholding your boundaries will not make it go away.
No. 4: Your Desire is Your North Star
Sometimes controversial, a must in my rule book. Honor your desire. This is the energy that points you towards growth, joy and inspiration. Own your desire. Celebrate it. Make love to your desires. There is nothing more sexy than a person who knows what they want and have the courage to ask for it.
Have you ever tapped into the energy that unleashes when you say yes to your desires? It is an energy that can carry us far and wide. Not always pleasant, it can bring us in touch with aspects of ourselves that may be hard to acknowledge. We usually desire what we have been cut off from. On the other side awaits a more whole version of you.
No. 5: Celebrate Triggers and Projections
Triggers, projections and judgments are the master key to the life we want to live and one of the biggest reasons we shy away from connection.
Here’s a powerful reframe.
Every trigger, projection or judgment is saying: Hey, listen! There is something that is ready to be felt and acknowledged. If you make space for me, you have a chance to integrate this aspect of yourself, harvest the gold and come into more wholeness.
Now, there are some very fine nuances about how to navigate this wobbly territory. Our natural tendency is to focus on the shortcomings of the other person. If we can catch ourselves and start connecting to and taking responsibility for our own experience and bring that into connection with the other person, the chances of strengthening your bond just quadrupled.
Triggers are mere signpost. They can be fun if we make it so.
Speaking of fun, if you are ready to take your shadow work to the next level, I highly recommend to read Existential Kink. Fair warning: Nothing will ever be the same after reading this book if you take it seriously and start applying it. This is some of the most powerful stuff out there.
Resource Resource Resource
To truly make space for group intelligence and group wisdom, the individual needs to be nourished and taken care of.
Make your nervous system become your best friend by learning its language. As your window of tolerance increases, so does the array of options you have available to you and your life becomes less reactive and more fun.
A very basic summary of what you need to know.
Your whole system is designed to protect you from anything that threatens your survival. As we are social creatures and our survival is closely tied to being part of family and society, the most common reasons why we go into fight, flights, freeze or fawn are wounds around belonging and attachment.
The Vagus Nerve is responsible for deep rest and restoration. As part of the parasympathetic nervous system, it is the longest nerve in our body that links almost every organ and reaches from the brainstem all the way down to the gut.
When your nervous system is activated, the easiest way to start down-regulating is by elongating your out-breath.
Now, I want you to start bringing awareness to how this works for you. When do you feel regulated and grounded in your body? What are the physical sensations you can access in that state? What are the situations that activate your nervous system? What is the somatic response? What are the thoughts, beliefs and stories that are tied to it? What is your go-to strategy?
The more intimately you understand this process, the better. For most of us, these patterns keep running and dictating our lives. Every moment of activation is an opportunity to practice and reflect. Am I actually in danger? How can I best take care of myself right now?
And if all of this is a bit too abstract for you, I want to give some concrete examples for what it looks like when we are dissociated and what we can do to bring ourselves back.
Signs of dissociation: lack of focus and concentration, stuck in mind loops, losing track of time, forgetting things, little spacious awareness, not feeling your body, disconnection from emotions, being on ‘autopilot’.
How to bring yourself back: elongate your out-breath, make sounds or hum, find things in your surroundings that are pleasant to look at, slowly stomp your feet on the ground, connect with your senses by naming what you can see, hear, smell, taste and sense, touch a soft blanket, grab a rock, take in the scent of a flower, ask yourself what would most support you and trust your intuition.
Choose Connection
I will keep this one short and precise in the hope that it will land powerfully.
Having opposing truths does not need to result in disconnection. If I anchor my sense of connection in anything that can be argued about, it is not anchored deeply enough.
I don’t need to like you in order to connect with you from the heart and with respect and appreciation.
When I close my eyes, I can feel all the beings I am connected with. The greatest gift I can give to them and myself is to value our individual truth above all else. I don’t want them to adapt to my truth or waver in standing their ground because of fear how it will affect our connection. Nor do I want to do the same on my end.
You in your truth. Me in mine. We meet in the space that opens through mutual trust. The alchemy that trickles through the cracks here is the gold.
Be You
Without fail, the most potent, joyful and nourishing encounters of my life have been the ones where authenticity and presence were most strongly emphasized.
Find the humans who can welcome and meet all of you. Practice the same for yourself so you can pass this gift along to others.
I love all the quirky, colorful humans that start emerging from the hidden corners of existence. Let’s create a whirlwind of expression that pays tribute to who we truly are.
Resources
The Intention of Becoming One by David Cates
Polysecure by Jessica Fern
The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin
Closing Words
Thank you for choosing to spend your time receiving my words and connecting with my message about the potential of intimacy and group intelligence.
May we all find a pathway into experiencing the power and beauty of being in connection with each other for more joyful relating and creations that touch body, heart and soul.
Super grateful for the inspiration and encouragement I received for writing this post. You know who you are. Thank you for making my life more colorful!